You know how there's something you want and you know that not only will it be difficult to get it but practically impossible to get it in the manner you want? Seems to be a popular theme this week. No matter the amount of work that goes into everything and the amount of energy and time and emotion it takes out of me it never seems to equal more than the work I put into it. This whole somethings are greater than the sum of their parts thing seems to need revision. Like the fact that when you're ready to leave home you are. Not because your home life sucks or because you feel controlled or you hate your parents but just because its time to. You can feel it and things just don't feel the way they use to. I think I'm at that point. I love my home and my family and the octopus that STILL isn't done on my wall and all the work every has put into making the house a real home, but I just need to... I'm not sure. Grow I think is the best word for it. It feels stale and closed and I feel like I'm still 13, minus the crappy High School and the absolute lack of friends. 16, 18, 20, they all didn't feel any different from 13. Everyday I go to class and work or rehearsal and I come... home. I think. And I think of all the things that have to be done when I graduate: bills and buying a car and groceries and rent and insurance and cell phone bills and everything that I know is coming and I don't feel prepared for it all. It almost feels like I'm being set up to get slapped in the face with everything at once so that I have to extend my time living at home. A clever ploy by my mother to keep her eldest daughter at home? Maybe. More that likely its just me growing too big for my environment in a completely non-fat-joke kind of way. I want to be able to grow without influence, without the constant "this is what is going to be done and how and your going to do it because we say so". I want to figure out what I need to do to be on my own and not be afraid to make mistakes. But I'm also afraid that if I speak up and assert my self over this I may not be able to come back if I fail.